All Relationships Fall Into These Two Categories3

Have you ever tried to explain the basics of ideal relationship behavior to a guy? He’ll nod, tell you he gets it, and then violate every one of those principles.
It’s not because he seeks to sabotage his partner’s happiness; it’s because he interprets the rules through his own filters, bastardizing the meaning as if it passed through a lengthy game of telephone before reaching his ears.
Some guys get it and if that’s you or your partner, then read no further. But if you still struggle to understand relationship dynamics or your male partner seems clueless despite your efforts, then perhaps teaching it in a language he understands will trigger that aha moment of comprehension.
Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden won ten national championships during his career. He had some great players on his teams, but he won championships by forcing his players, even the great ones, to master the fundamentals.
Becoming a quality relationship partner works the same way. By mastering the fundamentals, a man with average talent becomes a superstar relationship partner.
These seven basketball concepts serve as helpful metaphors for understanding the essential concepts.
1. Learn to dribble without looking at the ball.
In basketball, some players dazzle crowds with their mad dribbling skills, running at full speed, eyes straight ahead, sliding the ball between their legs and behind their back with such grace, it fools you into thinking the ball is just another appendage like an arm or leg.
Think of these star dribblers as the super communicative types — the ones who make us woo and swoon. You feel comfortable and safe in their presence. You open up to them as if you’ve known them your entire life. They know how to share their feelings, thoughts, fears, and desires without spawning that icky get me out of here feeling.
That kind of talent rarely exists, but when we see it, we feel like we can never measure up.
In basketball parlance, you don’t need to dazzle her with your mad ball-handling skills, but you must be able to dribble without looking at the ball. It’s one of the fundamentals everyone should master.
For some, it comes naturally. For others, it takes work. Even for those blessed with the gift, complacency often dulls it. So much of communicating effectively with your partner relies on attentiveness and effort.
Stop what you’re doing when your partner needs to talk. Don’t peek at your phone; maintain eye contact. Wait until they finish before you respond. Don’t answer like you’re a know-it-all. The basics of communication go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy.
2. Go for the layup instead of the half-court shot.
A layup happens when a player dribbles to the hoop and bounces the ball off the backboard and into the net. It’s the highest percentage shot in basketball (for people who can’t dunk).
Follow the same strategy for physical contact with your partner.
Go for the high percentage shots — actions guaranteed to endear you to your partner. Affection (the non-sexual kind) mirrors the high-percentage layup in basketball. Remember those early passionate days when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other?
They’ve passed, haven’t they?
As the months and years tick by, affection fizzles until it becomes ritualistic. I’m in the mood for sex tonight; I’d better throw in some hugs a few hours before.
Your partner notices the obvious pattern and will resent you for using affection as a tool to prep them for sex. That’s akin to turning a high percentage layup into a hail mary blindfolded half-court shot.
Give affection just because you love her with no expectation of anything in return. Don’t think of it as a warmup tool or a primer for between-the-sheets action later. That’s the fastest way to get yourself benched for violating team rules.
3. Don’t run the same play all the time.
In basketball, when you run the same play over and over, your opponent anticipates your moves and defends against them.
The same goes for the rituals and habits you follow as a couple. Most couples follow a set of patterns and routines. Date night on Friday. Television after putting the kids to bed. Hikes every Sunday morning.
These regular activities comfort us and provide a source of enjoyment and bonding but also become stale with repetition.
Change things up. Forego the usual restaurant on your date night and try something new like a comedy club, an outdoor concert, or try a wine and paint night. Yes, painting while drinking is a thing, at least in suburban New Jersey.
Rituals can define you as a couple, so spice them up every so often with unusual activities that keep them guessing, just like a basketball team needs to keep its opponent guessing.
4. Be a good coach.
3. Don’t run the same play all the time.
In basketball, when you run the same play over and over, your opponent anticipates your moves and defends against them.
The same goes for the rituals and habits you follow as a couple. Most couples follow a set of patterns and routines. Date night on Friday. Television after putting the kids to bed. Hikes every Sunday morning.
These regular activities comfort us and provide a source of enjoyment and bonding but also become stale with repetition.
Change things up. Forego the usual restaurant on your date night and try something new like a comedy club, an outdoor concert, or try a wine and paint night. Yes, painting while drinking is a thing, at least in suburban New Jersey.
Coach Wooden once said, “A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.”
In life, we sometimes make poor choices, take the wrong path, or fail to see what’s in front of us. It’s in these times where relationship partners can act as a coach — someone to give correction. As Wooden said, a coach should aim to correct without causing resentment.
It’s tricky, but not hard. Don’t act superior. Never say I told you so. And I know this is hard, but avoid projecting a superiority complex. Speak calmly, listen attentively, point out areas of concern respectfully. Above all, correct in private and defend in public. That’s how you play the role of coach.
5. Make use of your time outs.
Stop what you’re doing when your partner needs to talk. Don’t peek at your phone; maintain eye contact. Wait until they finish before you respond. Don’t answer like you’re a know-it-all. The basics of communication go a long way in keeping your relationship healthy.
2. Go for the layup instead of the half-court shot.
A layup happens when a player dribbles to the hoop and bounces the ball off the backboard and into the net. It’s the highest percentage shot in basketball (for people who can’t dunk).
Follow the same strategy for physical contact with your partner.
Go for the high percentage shots — actions guaranteed to endear you to your partner. Affection (the non-sexual kind) mirrors the high-percentage layup in basketball. Remember those early passionate days when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other?
They’ve passed, haven’t they?
As the months and years tick by, affection fizzles until it becomes ritualistic. I’m in the mood for sex tonight; I’d better throw in some hugs a few hours before.
Your partner notices the obvious pattern and will resent you for using affection as a tool to prep them for sex. That’s akin to turning a high percentage layup into a hail mary blindfolded half-court shot.
Give affection just because you love her with no expectation of anything in return. Don’t think of it as a warmup tool or a primer for between-the-sheets action later. That’s the fastest way to get yourself benched for violating team rules.
3. Don’t run the same play all the time.
In basketball, when you run the same play over and over, your opponent anticipates your moves and defends against them.
The same goes for the rituals and habits you follow as a couple. Most couples follow a set of patterns and routines. Date night on Friday. Television after putting the kids to bed. Hikes every Sunday morning.
In sports, players and coaches often call time out to regroup when the game slips away, when players lose focus, or when motivation wanes.
In relationships, we tend to ignore or pretend not to see these problems. Failure to address relationship issues is like failing to call a time out when the game starts slipping away. You lose a chance to regroup and come back stronger.
Be quick with the timeouts. The longer you wait, the further the game slips away, devolving into a rout, a score so lopsided you can never work your way back.
Minor issues morph into serious problems when you ignore them, so don’t fear the time out. Stop the game and talk it over. You’ll come back stronger when play resumes.
6. Know when to pass and when to shoot.
A ball-hog always shoots and never passes even when they’re double-teamed. Instead, they’ll chuck the ball at the hoop from thirty feet away, neglecting their wide-open teammate under the basket, infuriating teammates, coaches, and fans.
In relationships, it’s equally important to know when to pass and when to shoot. Failure to do so results in the same frustration and anger as being a ball-hog in basketball.
The relationship ball-hog thinks he’s acting in the team’s best interest. He’s the guy who calls all the shots because he’s the star player in the couple. But his actions deny his partner a voice in decision making, making the relationship feel hierarchical rather than a partnership.
Let your partner take some shots. Get comfortable passing the ball, settling for an assist.
7. Dive after loose balls.
There’s always one player who never puts up great stats but receives loads of praise. Sportscasters like to say, “You’ll never see that reflected in the box score.” It’s the player who dives after loose balls, chases down missed shots, and sacrifices their body for seemingly lost hope plays.
We come to admire players like that because we see their effort, the heart they put into it.
There’s much to admire about a partner who makes mistakes, fails to impress friends, 
or maybe misses the mark on a few of the checklist items, but someone who nonetheless strives to do the best they can, 
sacrifices for the good of the team (couple), and occasionally saves the day through sheer will. 
That kind of an effort makes you a keeper.

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