What I’ve Learned At 65

Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned since turning 65:
I miss my old job like I miss the flu.
I envy the strength of a teenage male’s urine flow rather than his sexual prowess.

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You can live on less than you thought.
Why use a harsh word when a threat of legal action will do?
When you’re retired, you’ve got all the time in the world to deal with customer service reps.
Love like you’ve been hurt, sing only under protest and don’t dance regardless of who’s watching particularly if you don’t want to throw your back out.
A smile takes four muscles whereas a frown takes sixteen but a cold shoulder uses none.
The senior’s discount doesn’t apply to sale items.
A pleasure trip is an oxymoron.
Kittens, puppies and babies all make messes.
Watching football on TV is a lot cheaper than going to the game.
By the time you’re 65, doctors will have probed every orifice in your body no matter how small or remote.
It’s surprising how many medical procedures end in “-oscopy.”
By 65, your definition of what constitutes an indignity has narrowed considerably.
Don’t worry about how you’ll fill up the days when you’re retired. At least half of your time will be spent attending medical tests, appointments and procedures.
At least half of the remaining time will be spent taking naps, either several fifteen-minute catnaps or one luxurious, two-hour power nap.
And if you choose to do your own taxes, part of that remaining time will be spent accumulating forms, records and receipts and completing returns, forms and adjustment requests at least from January through June.
If you’ve still got time left over and are not at all interested in reading, exercising or TV viewing then think about taking on a new part-time career as a retirement counselor.
Donate most of your wardrobe since all you really need now are a pair of chinos, two pairs of sweatpants and several well-worn T-shirts.
Consider buying Velcro sneakers.
Dogs are way more fun than cats.
Grandchildren are way more fun than children.
Seniors get a discount on bus tickets but why would you bother?
It’s now OK to have wine on weekdays.
If you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to get up, get dressed or even show up.
What doesn’t kill me definitely takes a couple of years off my life.
Avoid the things you can’t change, defer those you can and don’t be afraid to say no.
If you’re lacking in motivation, find yourself an enemy.
Don’t worry about following your passion. You’ll be lucky to follow a conversation.
Avoid being a rebel. It’s tiring and only brings unwanted attention.
When it comes to major expenditures, always buy the extended warranty.
When it comes to cars, after 65 it’s better to lease than buy.
(If you’re looking for a little more wisdom, check out “What I’ve Learned At 70.”)